As a relationship coach, I work with many people who wish to strengthen their relationships and live with greater awareness and intention as they strive to keep their relationship vibrant, fun and loving.   The common complaint I hear is, "This is great when we are working with you and have this focused time to explore our challenges.  We can hold onto what we learn here for a week, maybe even a bit longer, but our lives get complicated and after a while, we slip back to our old patterns.   How do we find the time and/or remember to keep this going?" 

This is a terrific inquiry, and while there are many tips and tricks you can incorporate, my answer usually focuses on some specific practices you can easily incorporate into your life.

• Speak a vow to each other at the beginning of each day:  this works particularly well when you wake in the morning if you can coordinate your schedules.  (see my blog entry: A Post-Wedding Vow)      
  
• At the end of each day acknowledge something you are grateful for with your loved one,  even if it has been a difficult day between you…it might be how grateful you are that you are able to work through things, or trust that you will come together again.
• Make a specific time to get together at least once a week…make this time sacred i.e a "date night" or a special time after the day is over that you chat without TV or other distraction. 
  
• Find a time to focus on the relationship separate from “date” night.  Monthly is usually reasonable, and weekly if you can fit it in is terrific!  Use this time to  either create a shared vision, or to explore relationship philosophy by read a book on relationships, or discussing how you can each listen better to one another. 
  
• Finally, remind yourself that you and your spouse, partner, friend, lover or family member, are human and will make mistakes.  The simple truth is that neither you or your loved one would do anything to intentionally cause pain.

Share your own thoughts so others can benefit! 

     
My greatest passion and life journey can be summed up in one word "relationship".  Whether it is an intimate relationship with my husband, a close friend, my family, or an acquaintance or business associate, I am fascinated by all that can occur, and the impact that we can make on each other, when we bring intention to our actions, thoughts and deeds. 

As a relationship coach, interfaith minister and wedding officiant,  I have the pleasure of working with couples or partners to establish a relationship and/or marriage vision.  This is a wonderful process that allows each person in the partnership to explore their individual beliefs, values and commitments surrounding their relationship.  Sharing this with each other, they create a shared vision which highlights their joint commitments in the day to day unfolding of their lives and future goals.   This vision allows them to begin the process of looking at all the different aspects of their lives; work, family, emotional support, leisure time, financial life, future goals, etc, and to recognize what supports their vision and what does not. 

Relationships are not static, they are alive with possibility.  They change each day as we shift and grow.  When we bring conscious intention to them; when we realize that our relationships offer us the opportunity to become the best person we can be; then we have the desire to keep them vibrant. 

This is not necessarily easy work, but it can be fun, motivating and rich with personal growth and understanding for oneself and your partner.  A vision, like a relationship, is not static.  So regardless of how or where you start, when you create a vision you are also agreeing to an ongoing process of communication, re-evaluation and growth.  

The vows you exchange at your wedding ceremony are some of the most important words you will ever speak. They are promises from your heart that not only honor your relationship, but also focus on what you are committed to creating together.   As a wedding officiant based in Massachusetts, I often encourage the couples I work with to spend time carefully considering the vows they will use in their wedding ceremony.  If crafted or chosen with intention and forethought, the vows you speak can be a powerful tool in helping to keep your relationship vibrant and healthy for the years to come. 

It does not need to be stressful or complicated, you can begin by searching the internet for vow samples, refer to poetry, song lyrics, philosophy and relationship books...see what speaks to your heart. 

If you are working with an officiant who creates custom ceremonies, they should be able to provide you with samples that are selected specifically for you.  (This is often accompanied with a simple instruction sheet for "putting your vows together").  Then cut and paste...edit words or paragraphs, combine vows, and when you have a rough draft... put them down for a few days.  Come back to them and ask yourself if they feel right and complete.  If not...look for the words that "don't quite capture it" or ask "what is missing?".  Your officiant, if they have taken the time to get to know you,  should be able to help you smooth them out so they "fit" for you. 

Remember to have fun with this...perfection is not needed...keep your heart open and you will find the right words and sentiments.  If you are interested in a more in-depth process, please feel free to read my article on "Writing your Personal Wedding Vows"
Peace and Blessings,  LisaAnn
 

In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As my husband and I share a spiritual journey in the ongoing unfolding of our relationship, we have created a daily practice which allows us to commit each day anew to keeping our relationship front and center in our lives. 

We have been speaking our post wedding vow to each other for almost 30 days.  It has been sweet, meaningful and has kept us focused on what is important.  Today however,  I noticed a longing to add another moment of conscious and loving connection in our days. 

Speaking with Jamie over the phone today, I asked him what he thought about adding another practice into our day.  I could almost hear the smile across the phone line (he has been in NY for the last few days).  After he said absolutely, we tossed a few things around.  We decided that if we were to close the day with a simple statement of gratitude and love, then we would be able to awaken and rest in our relationship. 

Our statement goes something like this: "Thank-you for loving me and committing to our growth today. "
Whether these are the actual words we will speak, or they will get changed over the course of time, I do not know.  What I count on is that there are now at least two times per day when there is conscious and loving intention focused on "us".    Thank-you Jamie for being willing to nurture my heart!

Relationship and marriage is a spiritual and on-going process.  Each day offers us the possibility to remain mindful of our original intentions, vows and what we hope to create with each other.  There are good times and difficult times.  Times when we feel connected and other times when we feel alone.  Over time, what we have committed and promised to our partner and/or spouse can gently fall into the background.  In the difficult times we tend to see what is wrong, in the good times we do not question.  Yet relationships and/or marriage, like a garden, need nourishment and attention if they are to remain vibrant and healthy. 

During a difficult time this past year, my husband and I decided that we were focusing too much on what was "wrong" and not enough on what was good and right between us.  We were saying words and engaging in actions that inadvertently caused pain and cultivated distance.  We had lost touch with the truth of our hearts and our desire to be good to each other.  While we loved each other, we were slipping into an unconscious state of mind and automatic responses, which while protective did not serve our relationship and marriage.  After much discussion, we decided to begin a daily practice that would help us remember the importance of our relationship. 

Now each morning when we get up, before my husband leaves for work, we speak a vow to each other.  It is simple and straight forward:

        "Today I will love you, honor you and our relationship and I will do my best not to hurt you."  

Simple yes...but the impact has been profound. For in speaking these simple words, we begin our day consciously nurturing our relationship and heart.  This post-wedding vow, allows us to fulfill upon the original vows and commitments we spoke on our wedding day.   When we get angry or fall back into an unconscious behavior, it does not last long, because the very next day we are speaking our vow again.   So in the New Year, see if this practice will make a difference in your relationship(s) and/or marriage and let me know what you find!

Rachel & Chris were married at Nashawtuc Country Club in Concord, MA.  When we began planning their ceremony, we discussed the importance of including their family and friends in an authentic way.  As Rachel and Chris spoke about the love and support they had received, both individually and as a couple, it became clear that this was an important element that added strength to their ongoing relationship and marriage. 

We discussed many ways to include their family and friends, and ultimately we chose to formally do so during the ceremony.   After the processional and a general welcoming,  incorporating the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hahn,  we acknowledged the importance of those gathered.  We then asked the community to continue to honor and support Rachel & Chris as they deepened into their relationship as husband and wife.  It was a lovely way to establish a community intimacy for the rest of the wedding ceremony.

The ceremony continued using carefully selected readings,  a personal reflection about Rachel & Chris, and individually crafted vows.  The ceremony created was intimate, meaningful and reflected and honored their unique relationship to each other, and their family and friends.  Congratulations Rachel & Chris, and may you enjoy many years of laughter, friendship, family & friends and an ever deepening love.   
(photo courtesy of Steve Kimball Photography)

Shawn & Brian were married at the Coachman's' Lodge in Bellingham, MA in a simple but eloquent wedding ceremony.  When we met, Shawn and Brian spoke about their lives both before and after they had met.  Separately and together they have weathered many storms and their ceremony was focused on the themes of friendship, laughter and a deep trust they have cultivated that no matter what occurred in their lives, they could rely upon each others support and love in both good and difficult times. 

The highlights of their ceremony included a personal reflection about their relationship and life together.  This naturally flowed into a carefully selected reading and then the exchange of vows, which Shawn & Brian crafted together to be meaningful as well as fun.  Their wedding ceremony was just what they wanted and uniquely them!

Today, Shawn and Brian are expecting their first child - a son! Congratulations to you both and I look forward to being part of your life as you begin your family.

Andrew and Emily (my niece) were married in an interfaith ceremony which combined Jewish and Taoist culture.  Held at Hakone Gardens in Saratoga, California, this lovely Japanese garden was the perfect spot.  They were married under a colorful and playful Chuppah (a tradition in Judaism) and began their ceremony by circling seven times. 
In the Jewish tradition, this circling has many interpretations, but for Andrew and Emily, the significance was tied to the mystical belief that each circle represented the removal of one of seven shells of solitude that encrust the soul.  Upon completion on the circling, the soul is open and ready to be surrounded by the light of their beloved and the creation of a seven fold bond. 

Throughout their ceremony their individual beliefs and shared vision was celebrated and honored with a lightness and joy that allowed for both laughter and tears. 

Their ceremony ended with both a lovely water ritual, honoring the Taoist philosophy of the changing nature of our lives and the unending energy of  life and the Jewish tradition of the breaking of the glass.  

Congratulations Emily and Andrew and may you have many years of happiness and health.  I love you both!

Marta and Greg were married this summer at the Barn at Gibbett Hill.  When we first met, I knew I wanted to work with them.  They clearly loved each other and were focused on making their ceremony special and memorable.  As we began working together, I appreciated the care they took with each detail of the ceremony.  The questions they asked and their active role in co-creating the ceremony with me; and special and memorable it was!  Through careful selections of readings, music, the inclusion of a special stuffed animal used by the ring bearer to bring the rings down the aisle, personalized vows written by Greg and Marta, and a reflection written specifically for them; we all smiled, laughed, cried and honored their relationship, their family and friends and their life together. I feel honored to have been a part of their most important day.