In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As my husband and I share a spiritual journey in the ongoing unfolding of our relationship, we have created a daily practice which allows us to commit each day anew to keeping our relationship front and center in our lives. 

We have been speaking our post wedding vow to each other for almost 30 days.  It has been sweet, meaningful and has kept us focused on what is important.  Today however,  I noticed a longing to add another moment of conscious and loving connection in our days. 

Speaking with Jamie over the phone today, I asked him what he thought about adding another practice into our day.  I could almost hear the smile across the phone line (he has been in NY for the last few days).  After he said absolutely, we tossed a few things around.  We decided that if we were to close the day with a simple statement of gratitude and love, then we would be able to awaken and rest in our relationship. 

Our statement goes something like this: "Thank-you for loving me and committing to our growth today. "
Whether these are the actual words we will speak, or they will get changed over the course of time, I do not know.  What I count on is that there are now at least two times per day when there is conscious and loving intention focused on "us".    Thank-you Jamie for being willing to nurture my heart!

Relationship and marriage is a spiritual and on-going process.  Each day offers us the possibility to remain mindful of our original intentions, vows and what we hope to create with each other.  There are good times and difficult times.  Times when we feel connected and other times when we feel alone.  Over time, what we have committed and promised to our partner and/or spouse can gently fall into the background.  In the difficult times we tend to see what is wrong, in the good times we do not question.  Yet relationships and/or marriage, like a garden, need nourishment and attention if they are to remain vibrant and healthy. 

During a difficult time this past year, my husband and I decided that we were focusing too much on what was "wrong" and not enough on what was good and right between us.  We were saying words and engaging in actions that inadvertently caused pain and cultivated distance.  We had lost touch with the truth of our hearts and our desire to be good to each other.  While we loved each other, we were slipping into an unconscious state of mind and automatic responses, which while protective did not serve our relationship and marriage.  After much discussion, we decided to begin a daily practice that would help us remember the importance of our relationship. 

Now each morning when we get up, before my husband leaves for work, we speak a vow to each other.  It is simple and straight forward:

        "Today I will love you, honor you and our relationship and I will do my best not to hurt you."  

Simple yes...but the impact has been profound. For in speaking these simple words, we begin our day consciously nurturing our relationship and heart.  This post-wedding vow, allows us to fulfill upon the original vows and commitments we spoke on our wedding day.   When we get angry or fall back into an unconscious behavior, it does not last long, because the very next day we are speaking our vow again.   So in the New Year, see if this practice will make a difference in your relationship(s) and/or marriage and let me know what you find!

Rachel & Chris were married at Nashawtuc Country Club in Concord, MA.  When we began planning their ceremony, we discussed the importance of including their family and friends in an authentic way.  As Rachel and Chris spoke about the love and support they had received, both individually and as a couple, it became clear that this was an important element that added strength to their ongoing relationship and marriage. 

We discussed many ways to include their family and friends, and ultimately we chose to formally do so during the ceremony.   After the processional and a general welcoming,  incorporating the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hahn,  we acknowledged the importance of those gathered.  We then asked the community to continue to honor and support Rachel & Chris as they deepened into their relationship as husband and wife.  It was a lovely way to establish a community intimacy for the rest of the wedding ceremony.

The ceremony continued using carefully selected readings,  a personal reflection about Rachel & Chris, and individually crafted vows.  The ceremony created was intimate, meaningful and reflected and honored their unique relationship to each other, and their family and friends.  Congratulations Rachel & Chris, and may you enjoy many years of laughter, friendship, family & friends and an ever deepening love.   
(photo courtesy of Steve Kimball Photography)

Shawn & Brian were married at the Coachman's' Lodge in Bellingham, MA in a simple but eloquent wedding ceremony.  When we met, Shawn and Brian spoke about their lives both before and after they had met.  Separately and together they have weathered many storms and their ceremony was focused on the themes of friendship, laughter and a deep trust they have cultivated that no matter what occurred in their lives, they could rely upon each others support and love in both good and difficult times. 

The highlights of their ceremony included a personal reflection about their relationship and life together.  This naturally flowed into a carefully selected reading and then the exchange of vows, which Shawn & Brian crafted together to be meaningful as well as fun.  Their wedding ceremony was just what they wanted and uniquely them!

Today, Shawn and Brian are expecting their first child - a son! Congratulations to you both and I look forward to being part of your life as you begin your family.

Andrew and Emily (my niece) were married in an interfaith ceremony which combined Jewish and Taoist culture.  Held at Hakone Gardens in Saratoga, California, this lovely Japanese garden was the perfect spot.  They were married under a colorful and playful Chuppah (a tradition in Judaism) and began their ceremony by circling seven times. 
In the Jewish tradition, this circling has many interpretations, but for Andrew and Emily, the significance was tied to the mystical belief that each circle represented the removal of one of seven shells of solitude that encrust the soul.  Upon completion on the circling, the soul is open and ready to be surrounded by the light of their beloved and the creation of a seven fold bond. 

Throughout their ceremony their individual beliefs and shared vision was celebrated and honored with a lightness and joy that allowed for both laughter and tears. 

Their ceremony ended with both a lovely water ritual, honoring the Taoist philosophy of the changing nature of our lives and the unending energy of  life and the Jewish tradition of the breaking of the glass.  

Congratulations Emily and Andrew and may you have many years of happiness and health.  I love you both!

Marta and Greg were married this summer at the Barn at Gibbett Hill.  When we first met, I knew I wanted to work with them.  They clearly loved each other and were focused on making their ceremony special and memorable.  As we began working together, I appreciated the care they took with each detail of the ceremony.  The questions they asked and their active role in co-creating the ceremony with me; and special and memorable it was!  Through careful selections of readings, music, the inclusion of a special stuffed animal used by the ring bearer to bring the rings down the aisle, personalized vows written by Greg and Marta, and a reflection written specifically for them; we all smiled, laughed, cried and honored their relationship, their family and friends and their life together. I feel honored to have been a part of their most important day.

You are planing your wedding, and want to incorporate chocolate in your ceremony because you met over chocolate;  but your wedding is outside in July, so you assume because of the heat that this won't work.  You love the outdoors, you and your partner hike, work in the soil, saw and stack wood together and you wonder if somehow you can bring this into your wedding ceremony with more than just words.  You are animal lovers and own a dog, you want him involved in the ceremony but do not believe this can happen.    As a wedding officiant and celebrant who creates customized ceremonies my response is-of course we can!   Wedding rituals are meaningful if they speak to your heart, reflect you story as a couple and honor that which you feel is important in your life.  They offer a rich way in which you can celebrate your passions, beliefs and values and also create new traditions for the future.  There are many lovely rituals that are steeped in tradition and used for wedding ceremonies, but you can also create your own.
Here are some quick tips: 

• Understand what the overall message you wish to relay through a ritual is - do you want to honor how you met? Are there important activities you do together that join your lives?  Do you have shared commitments that are important as you join together in marriage?  Do you wish to honor the community of people that are celebrating with you? Do you want the community to be actively involved in your ceremony?
• Whatever the overall message is, as you design your ritual keep it simple and clear. 
• Test out the ritual with others to see what works and what needs to be tweaked.
• Make sure there is an explanation of the ritual and the meaning it has for the two of you during the ceremony.

Two last hints: when you think you can't do something, or it won't work, turn these statements into questions and ask How might it work? What needs to happen for it to work and be included? 
Finally - Have fun!

Photography Courtesy of Cynthia R. Lang  860-953-2299

As a life celebrant, I help people honor and celebrate their relationships and life experiences.  On Friday, I was honored to officiate at John & Roberta's 17 year renewal of vows.  While I am always pleased to create a special ceremony, honoring peoples years together, in this case I believe I was truly graced; for John and Roberta's story reflects a deep commitment to each other and an example of what loving each other unconditionally really means. 

To say that their life has been difficult is an understatement, but through all of what they have endured, both together and alone, their love and acceptance of each other is a testament to the power and grace of love in action.  Congratulations to you Roberta and John, and thank-you for            
allowing me to celebrate with you!     

As a relationship coach and wedding officiant, I often spend time with couples who hit snags as they approach their wedding day.  This is quite common as weddings, while an exciting time, also bring much stress.   Negotiating the wishes of families, friends, finances, and the couples own desires can be a tricky tightrope.  As well, the approaching commitment for life, can reveal hidden fears we did not know we had.  When a couple first begins to experience this, doubt can surface.  Thoughts can run the gamut of canceling the wedding or postponing it, to resolving what appears to be a riff between two people.  While often  "wedding planning" can bring this about, the truth is all couples will hit snags.

We bring all of who we are into a relationship; our history, our family of origin, our defenses as well as our longings,  hopes and dreams.  We project the good and the difficult onto our partners and then wonder why we may feel anxious and disappointed at times when our partners do not live up to our expectations.  When a couple first experiences this, I carefully inquire into each persons own history, beliefs, feelings and expectations.  I encourage both parties to look at themselves first, and not at their partners.  As we inquire into ourselves, we can begin to see patterns and defenses that we have used throughout our life to keep our souls safe.  These patterns and defenses were necessary as we negotiated our way from childhood to adulthood, but may no longer serve us.  In fact they may interfere with our capacity for intimacy. 

Relationships offer us a window into our own healing and souls journey.  To do this we must be courageous enough to actively explore and inquire into our experiences, looking at ourselves first. We can not change our partners, we can only accept responsibility for our own journey.  If we remain conscious and dedicated on this path, our own behavior changes because we begin to let go of defenses that no longer serve us.  This in turn changes the dynamics of the relationship.  As we become more open and vulnerable with our partners, as we respond with greater appreciation for the personal journey, our partners begin to shift how they respond to us.   When two embark upon this path together miracles occur!