The vows you exchange at your wedding ceremony are some of the most important words you will ever speak. They are promises from your heart that not only honor your relationship, but also focus on what you are committed to creating together.   As a wedding officiant based in Massachusetts, I often encourage the couples I work with to spend time carefully considering the vows they will use in their wedding ceremony.  If crafted or chosen with intention and forethought, the vows you speak can be a powerful tool in helping to keep your relationship vibrant and healthy for the years to come. 

It does not need to be stressful or complicated, you can begin by searching the internet for vow samples, refer to poetry, song lyrics, philosophy and relationship books...see what speaks to your heart. 

If you are working with an officiant who creates custom ceremonies, they should be able to provide you with samples that are selected specifically for you.  (This is often accompanied with a simple instruction sheet for "putting your vows together").  Then cut and paste...edit words or paragraphs, combine vows, and when you have a rough draft... put them down for a few days.  Come back to them and ask yourself if they feel right and complete.  If not...look for the words that "don't quite capture it" or ask "what is missing?".  Your officiant, if they have taken the time to get to know you,  should be able to help you smooth them out so they "fit" for you. 

Remember to have fun with this...perfection is not needed...keep your heart open and you will find the right words and sentiments.  If you are interested in a more in-depth process, please feel free to read my article on "Writing your Personal Wedding Vows"
Peace and Blessings,  LisaAnn
 

In the unfolding relationship with my husband, I sometimes find myself looking into a mirror that does not always show my best "self".  Relationships, whether intimate or fleeting, offer us the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to look at our own human foibles, wounding and complexity as well as our brilliance. 

This was the case for me less than 24 hours ago, when I found myself responding to my husband from an automatic and defended stance, as I tried to "help and support" him during a difficult circumstance.  You see, I was quite attached to seeing him out of pain, and arriving at a place that "I" perceived as compassionate and open-hearted.  In the process, I missed validating his suffering, meeting him where he was, and quite frankly ended up adding to his pain.

My husband, held up a mirror to me in those moments by reminding me that he did not need what I was offering.  It is always hard to notice when you have caused additional pain, or have been non-supportive in an attempt to "help".  It was difficult to face this without running for the hills (another defense of mine, if the truth be told!)  Yet within a few minutes, I was brought back to my heart and the wisdom that resides inside.  Maybe it was the current book I was reading, Jamie's eyes, or simply grace that allowed me to respond more compassionately and consciously...what-ever it was, I became aware, once more, of how subtly my history and defenses lead me to act from a place of fear and avoidance.

Charlotte Kasl in her book "If the Buddha Married" wrote,  "To love better and feel more openhearted and unified with others, start to notice your attachments to thoughts and behavior of yourself and your partner. Whenever you are agitated, upset, angry, mad, or hurt, you have an attachment to something being different than it is or you are afraid of the outcome."  To this I add, "whenever you are unskillful and acting automatically, chances are this too applies!"  To face this part of the "self", to examine it and inquire into it, truly is a powerful path for healing.

As my husband and I share a spiritual journey in the ongoing unfolding of our relationship, we have created a daily practice which allows us to commit each day anew to keeping our relationship front and center in our lives. 

We have been speaking our post wedding vow to each other for almost 30 days.  It has been sweet, meaningful and has kept us focused on what is important.  Today however,  I noticed a longing to add another moment of conscious and loving connection in our days. 

Speaking with Jamie over the phone today, I asked him what he thought about adding another practice into our day.  I could almost hear the smile across the phone line (he has been in NY for the last few days).  After he said absolutely, we tossed a few things around.  We decided that if we were to close the day with a simple statement of gratitude and love, then we would be able to awaken and rest in our relationship. 

Our statement goes something like this: "Thank-you for loving me and committing to our growth today. "
Whether these are the actual words we will speak, or they will get changed over the course of time, I do not know.  What I count on is that there are now at least two times per day when there is conscious and loving intention focused on "us".    Thank-you Jamie for being willing to nurture my heart!

Relationship and marriage is a spiritual and on-going process.  Each day offers us the possibility to remain mindful of our original intentions, vows and what we hope to create with each other.  There are good times and difficult times.  Times when we feel connected and other times when we feel alone.  Over time, what we have committed and promised to our partner and/or spouse can gently fall into the background.  In the difficult times we tend to see what is wrong, in the good times we do not question.  Yet relationships and/or marriage, like a garden, need nourishment and attention if they are to remain vibrant and healthy. 

During a difficult time this past year, my husband and I decided that we were focusing too much on what was "wrong" and not enough on what was good and right between us.  We were saying words and engaging in actions that inadvertently caused pain and cultivated distance.  We had lost touch with the truth of our hearts and our desire to be good to each other.  While we loved each other, we were slipping into an unconscious state of mind and automatic responses, which while protective did not serve our relationship and marriage.  After much discussion, we decided to begin a daily practice that would help us remember the importance of our relationship. 

Now each morning when we get up, before my husband leaves for work, we speak a vow to each other.  It is simple and straight forward:

        "Today I will love you, honor you and our relationship and I will do my best not to hurt you."  

Simple yes...but the impact has been profound. For in speaking these simple words, we begin our day consciously nurturing our relationship and heart.  This post-wedding vow, allows us to fulfill upon the original vows and commitments we spoke on our wedding day.   When we get angry or fall back into an unconscious behavior, it does not last long, because the very next day we are speaking our vow again.   So in the New Year, see if this practice will make a difference in your relationship(s) and/or marriage and let me know what you find!

Today is Thanksgiving, and for many of us, we have the fortune of being with friends or family, and for this we are truly blessed.  So today, for just a moment, stop and reflect upon an act of kindness, an unselfish moment that one of these people gave to you from their heart.  Share with them the impact this had on you and stop to notice how these heart connected moments turn the ordinary into the extraordinary! 

Today's entry has a different focus; for it speaks to the difficult journey many have and the extraordinary courage it can take to simply survive.  Those who find themselves alone on this Thanksgiving day, by virtue of distance, illness, homelessness or other life circumstances.   Life isn't always safe or warm for many.  So today, I ask you to take two actions:
1) Take a few minutes, either alone or with family, to hold a prayer or intention, that those that are suffering will find a moment-or moments, of grace, healing and peace. 
2) That we take the opportunity to serve; whether it be by dropping a donation at the food bank, volunteering at a hospital or shelter, offering a homeless person a blanket or a hot cup of coffee, or going on-line to your favorite charity and submitting a donation in honor of the courage it may take to continue to live in our world.   

May all beings have happiness and cause of happiness
May all beings be free of suffering and cause of suffering.
May all beings remain in equinimity.

Peace and Blessings to you all.

Photography Courtesy of Cynthia R. Lang  860-953-2299

As a life celebrant, I help people honor and celebrate their relationships and life experiences.  On Friday, I was honored to officiate at John & Roberta's 17 year renewal of vows.  While I am always pleased to create a special ceremony, honoring peoples years together, in this case I believe I was truly graced; for John and Roberta's story reflects a deep commitment to each other and an example of what loving each other unconditionally really means. 

To say that their life has been difficult is an understatement, but through all of what they have endured, both together and alone, their love and acceptance of each other is a testament to the power and grace of love in action.  Congratulations to you Roberta and John, and thank-you for            
allowing me to celebrate with you!     

Over the past few weeks, I have been focused on catching up on all those things that were put aside for my vacation.  I have been very busy "doing" all that needed to be done in order to meet deadlines.  I have had little time to just sit and "be" (I know that is a lesson in and of itself).  I was becoming aware of an exhaustion creeping into my life and kept pushing it away; my mantra these past 4 days has been "I will take time tomorrow".  So while I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, "tomorrow" seems like weeks away!  It wasn't until I received a call today from a friend of mine that I was pulled out of my "doing" and into being present.  She had called to ask me to include a close relative of her's in my prayers, her relative had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was undergoing surgery tomorrow.  I got off the phone and sat for a few moments with this news.  Her call reminded me just how tentative our lives are, and how important it is to take time out to just "be".  How just 5 minutes of enjoying the connections we have and make with others, and/or enjoying the nature around us, renews and enlivens us.  So "tomorrow" is now today and I will take the next hour to simply appreciate all the blessings that are in my life!  Maybe you can join me....

As a relationship coach and wedding officiant, I often spend time with couples who hit snags as they approach their wedding day.  This is quite common as weddings, while an exciting time, also bring much stress.   Negotiating the wishes of families, friends, finances, and the couples own desires can be a tricky tightrope.  As well, the approaching commitment for life, can reveal hidden fears we did not know we had.  When a couple first begins to experience this, doubt can surface.  Thoughts can run the gamut of canceling the wedding or postponing it, to resolving what appears to be a riff between two people.  While often  "wedding planning" can bring this about, the truth is all couples will hit snags.

We bring all of who we are into a relationship; our history, our family of origin, our defenses as well as our longings,  hopes and dreams.  We project the good and the difficult onto our partners and then wonder why we may feel anxious and disappointed at times when our partners do not live up to our expectations.  When a couple first experiences this, I carefully inquire into each persons own history, beliefs, feelings and expectations.  I encourage both parties to look at themselves first, and not at their partners.  As we inquire into ourselves, we can begin to see patterns and defenses that we have used throughout our life to keep our souls safe.  These patterns and defenses were necessary as we negotiated our way from childhood to adulthood, but may no longer serve us.  In fact they may interfere with our capacity for intimacy. 

Relationships offer us a window into our own healing and souls journey.  To do this we must be courageous enough to actively explore and inquire into our experiences, looking at ourselves first. We can not change our partners, we can only accept responsibility for our own journey.  If we remain conscious and dedicated on this path, our own behavior changes because we begin to let go of defenses that no longer serve us.  This in turn changes the dynamics of the relationship.  As we become more open and vulnerable with our partners, as we respond with greater appreciation for the personal journey, our partners begin to shift how they respond to us.   When two embark upon this path together miracles occur! 

Over the past years, I have learned quite a bit about my personal drives and motivation in the relationship I have with my husband.  When we started our relationship over 10 years ago, I saw a person who I knew I could trust my heart with.  In the following years, as we grew and changed, some of what I thought was true about myself as well as him, was to be tested and challenged.  As we have gone through the good and the bad together, a lot of my original beliefs about what a healthy marriage "should" look like, and what my lovely husband "ought" to provide for my emotional health, as well as how I "should" take care of him in the role of wife, friend and lover, has shifted and changed.  Today, few of my original perspectives remain the same.  I know now, more than ever, that I can trust him with my heart, but our relationship has evolved, changed and  deepened in a way I would never have anticipated AND we are still a work in process.  All of which has caused me to become fascinated by other people's experience and learning's.  Today I invite you to be part of a newly launched project to help me explore how marriage and committed relationships change over time. On the initial phase of the project I am interested in your learning's and questions you might like to see explored.  You may participate by going to Sacred Spirit Sanctuary's Facebook Page. Thanks for joining the Relationship Project!

So the wedding is over, and everyone has gone home, the ceremony and day become a fading memory, what do you do now?  Continue as you have done before?  As a relationship coach who offers premarital and post marital guidance and facilitation, I encourage people to re-read the vows they have spoken.  Vows are conscious promises you make to one another, yet they can often get lost in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of our lives.  Taking them out and working with them in a conscious way offers you the possibility of keeping your relationship strong and vibrant.  Your vows can be the lived expression of your love and life together if you return to them often, asking yourself and each other; Are we living these vows? What is working in our relationship?  What is Missing that would make a difference?  What do we know now that we didn't know when we wrote them? Do we need to revisit  and restate the vows?  It is helpful to remember that this is not a time to blame for what might be wrong, but a time for remembering the reasons you are together.  Please share your thoughts or questions.